I use Twitter mainly as a way to avoid annoying my Facebook friends with my incessant rantings/gushings about the Braves. And then I realized, "Oh my... there are baseball players on Twitter. Lots of them."
Today, Gaby Sanchez, first baseman of the Florida Marlins, joined Twitter. Lauren and I, by the way, LOOOOOOOOOOVE Gaby Sanchez. I feel guilty about it, like I'm secretly cheating on the Braves. But come on. The guy's a beast. Seriously. I told him as much, too.
Update: I also told him to be nice to his new teammates, Omar Infante and Mike Dunn. HE ACTUALLY RESPONDED!!! It was short. But I don't care. I'm taking him at his word. He promised he would be nice to our lovvies!! In return, I'll be nice to Dan Uggla, too. (Not that I was mean to him since he became a Brave....)
And here's the thing. There are SO many pro baseball players with Twitter. SO MANY. And I'm all like, "Dang it!! Where are all the Braves tweeters?" There are three known ones for the Braves. And as much as I love J-Hey and Fweddie, and as much as I am very very amused by Moylo, their tweets are boring. BORING. And as much as I adore and respect DOB and Mark Bowman (*retch* *gags self with spoon*), they're not the players!
Fweddie: "On my way to church."
J-Hey: "Cereal. [insert picture of his breakfast]" or "Keep the faith. [insert link or RT to a Rev Run tweet.] Follow my boy Fweddie and Moylo."
Moylo: "misspellings of every kind. grammatical errors galore. misplaced punctuation. not funny. hey guys here's a blog post including all of the above, but with more funny. [insert link]. PS I love Ski he's my boy so glad we signed him whoo."
Official Braves: "Hey, check out J-Hey! Oh, look, there's J-Hey! Did we mention J-Hey??? Oh, we suppose we should also mention Fweddie and Moylo."Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with you telling me that you're going to church or posting pictures of your cereal or promoting your blog. BUT YOU'RE STILL BORING. And occasionally, they WILL post funny things... but only occasionally. For instance, Freddie posted about waiting in line at midnight to get the new Call of Duty game. GEEK. Love it.
The Blue Jays tweeters, by contrast, are AWESOME, pretty much always. [See Ian's blog, The Blue Jay Hunter for an awesome and more superior write-up about the Jays tweet-peeps.]
Travis Snider (hitherto known as "Lunchbox" on this blog): "MEAT! FOOD IS AWESOME! I will discuss the intricacies of certain foods and answer fan questions about food and ask for suggestions related to restaurants. Then, I will go into BEAST MODE and tease my fellow Blue Jays, especially VDub."
JP Arencibia: "I'm super cute and excited about playing next year! See this picture of me setting a good example for my nephew? [insert disgustingly cute picture of nephew.] It's time to go into BEAST MODE!! [insert picture of beast mode] MIAMI RULES! Sometimes, I discuss food. CUBAN FOOD IS DELICIOUS. Stop teasing me, fellow Blue Jays! I can't help being the most-good-looking. The fans ask for pictures, I'm just trying to connect with them! I misspell many things, lolz. When I grow up, I want to be like VDubs."
Ricky Romero: "Son, you don't know what Cuban food is until you eat it at the Romero household! BEAST MODE!! Time to work out! Excited about next season! Bring it AL EAST. I ain't skurred! VDubs is slow on this Twitter thing, let's make fun of him, boys! Hey, JP, you post too many pictures of yourself."
Brett Cecil: "I love my wife. I love my kid. I'm going to clean the entire house now. Then, I will go into BEAST MODE!! Can't wait for Spring!! My kid is cute, did I mention that? My wife is awesome. How cute am I? PS I like hunting."
Jesse Litsch: "Dude, I just ran into [insert celebrity name] at this charity dinner for [insert awesome cause]. I'm kind of starstruck. BEAST MODE!! Occasionally, I talk about food, too. Toronto is awesome! So much good food. Our fans are the best."
Vernon Wells: "I might be old compared to you young kids, but I ain't that old yet! I'm still capable of BEAST MODE!!! AL East is boasting 2 All-Star teams, eh? THAT'S JUST MOTIVATION TO KICK MORE ASSSSSSSS!!!! Thank God for everything I have. Now I'm going to condition and teach these kids a thing or two. BRING IT ON BOSTON AND NEW YORK. WE GOT THIS."
Official Blue Jays: "Look at our awesome players with their awesome Twitter accounts! We will actively engage our players in Twitter-conversations! We will also talk to the fans! We are WAY RAD!"
UPDATE: So, one of my favorite Jays has signed up for Twitter now. JP apparently went on a campaign to recruit yet another Jays player to Twitter. [Complete with on-going negotiations, deal finalization, and Ricky's stamp of approval.] Say hello to Jose Bautista, boys and girls. He's ready to turn on BEAST MODE in the Dominican Republic. :DSee the difference, y'all? I'm sayin'. Other tweeters to mention:
Dirk Hayhurst (aka Garfoose): "I am a bestselling author. I am well-spoken and insightful. I used to play for the Blue Jays. I am, in fact, the first Jays tweeter, and look what has happened now. And they used to make fun of me. By the way, I am a wonderful writer. Feel free to check out my blog. Hi friends on my former team! You guys are rad. I have BEAST MODE, too. I have all sorts of modes. I can't seem to turn off Dork Mode, though."
Mike Stanton: "I do not appear to possess spelling or grammatical skills of any sort. But that's forgiven because I'm pretty dang cute, I'm not gonna lie. I like food, and I'm gonna talk about it. I like partying with mermaids. Time to go to the beach. I'm going to condition and work out!"
John Axford: "I have a crazy mustache and I'm Canadian. I am also a photographer. Trevor Hoffman is a great man."
CJ Wilson: "I like cars. I am straight edge. Occasionally I will express outrage over something. I will also post funny things. Wanna see some pictures? [insert link of pictures]"
Drew Storen: "I'm a college student. I REALLY should be studying/writing this paper... buuuuuuuut Call of Duty keeps calling to me. Maybe I'll play just for a little bit... WHY DO I PROCRASTINATE LIKE THIS???"
Braves PR, in case you are reading this... We demand more of this. MORE. Thank you.